Tuesday, 26 June 2012

Mothra ate my baby.

Here's a question:
Why do moths fly toward light? They're nocturnal. If they wanted the light, why not just come out during the day? It would be easier to avoid them, that way. Those critters are nasty.

I mean, sure, they're incredible, but they're the spawn of Hades.
I'm sorry, but my ears are not made of your food, moths. They're made for making my face look less weird. Which is a real job.

And what's up with the moths that look like hummingbirds? They're awesome, sure, but they confuse the shit out of me.
Come on, are you a bird? Are you an insect? Are you some magical cross between the twain?
Neither. That's what you are. You're just confusing. I refuse to believe you're even a moth. Please stay away from where I live. I thank the beings above that you don't live in the same country as me.

I realise that this could constitute as moth 'hate-speech', but I really, really don't care.

If I can be super serious for a minute, I had a traumatising experience with a moth. That's why I hate them.

Here's what went down:

Back in, like, 1998, I was walking with mother and my dog, Mollie (an amazing Bearded Collie crossed with a Bouvier de Flandres, more on her later). We went to the playing field of the high school to let Mollie run free (which was probably illegal because of by-laws in Nepean, Ontario). I was standing under a flood-light (I'd most likely bought a book with me. On a walk. At night. I was fucking addicted to the Babysitter's Club books).
Then I suddenly contracted a really serious case of frivolous muscular convulsions. Because a moth had flown into my fucking ear.

I was thrashing about in the dewy grass, which had that creepy mist that you always see in horror movies, and my mum was just standing there laughing and my dog was going berserk trying to trip me up which was only making matters worse.

If you've never had a moth fly under your hair and basically into your ear, it sounds like a jet-fighter. Who sings opera. Badly. And louder. And more scarily.

Also, I can't say for sure, but I'm fairly sure it was this kind of monster:

But I could be wrong and it might just have been one of those little white cabbage ones.

I'm pretty sure it was the huge one.


Oh yeah. My friend just asked what moths did before man discovered fire? Were they content with the moon?

Yes. Yes they were. And they can go back to being fucking content with the moon.


  1. I am terrified of moths too! Two traumatic experiences. One, when I was about 5 and I went to the loo and looked down and saw an enormous moth crawling up the toilet bowl. Horrifying. Two, I was having a bath at a friend's house when a huge moth started flapping around in the bathroom - I had to get my friend to come in the bathroom (while I was still in the bath) and get rid of it for me. She was not impressed. The second one was probably after I was already moth-phobic actually, because that clearly isn't a normal reaction. They just make my skin crawl.

    1. I do the dance of avoidance whenever they come near me, but I'm not nearly as frightened of them. It's just mild terror now ..

  2. Cabbage whites are butterflies! <3

    Also, I always wanted to be Claudia from the BSC :D

    1. I think there are also things called Cabbage Moths... maybe not. But there are definitely moths that look like Cabbage Whites...

      It's cool that you wanted to be Japanese. Claudia was awesome.

  3. .....And then I wanted to be Stacey. But without the diabetes.

    And then Dawn.

    1. I always wanted to be Dawn, too! Mostly because she had a kick-ass house in California...

  4. This post is most excellent, and apparently we've discovered that your ears have additional uses: Not only can they be used to lure Mothra, but they also allow you the horrific experience that is Mothra trying to invade you ears via horror moth soundtrack. Go back to the moon, Mothra, or at least go hang out with Godzilla again that guy might actually appreciate your company.

    1. Exactly. Piss-off, Mothra. You're a dick.

  5. Mothra was my least favourite Godzilla monster.
    I hate moths. I don't fear them - Hate them. Even in death they piss you off, getting their dust on everything. You can't touch them - dust.
    Can't clean up their corpse - dust.
    Can't reason with them, can't lure them away, can't get rid of them - ever - dust.

    Butterflies are just moths on Broadway. They can fuck off too. Not as much as moths though. Butterflies can sign me Fiddler On The Roof and then fuck off. Thanks.

    1. If they had fingers they'd sign "fuck you, Tim. Have some of our finger dust."